Monday, November 30, 2009

Shouldn't this be easier...

The whole idea of a blog came about because, firstly, I felt it was something the Holy Spirit was telling me to do. I know that sounds a little spooky but when the random thought..."Blog" pops into your mind 4 times over a 10-day period you start to consider it. After giving it a few dismissals and then finally giving into the idea I started to realize, for me, what the benefits would be. I've never been much of a journalist. Sure, I love the pretty notebooks and will fill them up with notes from other people's messages, or meeting highlights but my own thoughts? Who has time? Well, that's just it. The few times I have taken the time to write my thoughts down and I look back at them weeks, months, even years later, I never cease to be amazed at the bigness of God in my life!

The other hurdle, and quite a large one I would say, is I am a perfectionist. For example, when I write an email, especially a professional one, I agonize over it. "Was that worded right? Did I misspell anything? Will they hear my tone correctly?" I can't send it until I've read through it three times after all the corrections have been made. I know how to write a professional email, a casual email, a sensitive email, but blogging? I have no idea. Is this already too long? Have I lost my imaginary audience? Even logging on to this site is challenging, it represents feeling vulnerable. That's it. Blogging makes me feel quite vulnerable. I have a fear of failure and while I clearly don't know the rules of blogging (or if there even are rules) I'll be learning as I go and surely look back at these initial posts in disgust. Now laugh at yourself (future me) for calling it!

Truthfully, I have an idea of what I'm trying to accomplish by doing this. I'm trying to get myself opened up about writing. Forcing myself to write my feelings, thoughts, perfect or not. If I'm ever going to be a songwriter it's got to start somewhere. And there it is. My end game, or perhaps, part of my end game. Songwriting is the ultimate challenge to me. I could: Not complete a triathlon, make a bad financial decision, forget the words to a song I'm leading during worship, all fine with me, but write a bad song...unthinkable. Shouldn't that just be built in to my make up as a musician/singer/worship director? After everything I've learned over the last 15 years, all the experience I've gained, shouldn't it just be easier? Shouldn't it come naturally? Well, sweetheart, you can't fake a good song. I know that and my team knows that.

So here's to being vulnerable. To failure. To being up for a fight. To standing at the base of this mountain and saying, "It might be unthinkable now, but I'm training and I'll get to the top one day".
This may or may not have been failure number one :)

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